I’m tired. Not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
I’ve not been doing too well these past couple of weeks on the bicycle. Nothing has happened exactly, nothing major anyway – no dog bites or foot injuries, nor experiences of insufferable heat – that has had me questioning my journey at other points.
Although last week I did reach the one year on the road marker. The one year thing has been very present in my daily thoughts each day on the bike lately…a year already, another day out here, alone, lonely.
I miss home. I miss the familiar.
Why am I doing this again? Something about happiness…something about Bhutan…well I’m not feeling very happy, and my attempts to connect with people in Bhutan go unanswered.
I don’t want to be unhappy, but perhaps I need to be. I want to go to Bhutan, but perhaps I don’t need to go.
Maybe I should just come home. Or change something…so that what I am doing in my daily life aligns more with my deeper sense of self. There is often a richer happiness that way.
What do I need? I know that I need to keep questioning purpose. I need to keep engaging meaningfully with the world and checking and rechecking in with myself as to whether this is still the right path for me.
Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. What was right then may not be right now.
Do I continue just because I said I’d do this, or is this far enough? Maybe I have come far enough. Perhaps the true love I encountered just the other week is everything that this journey ever needed to show me. Is it now time to take that home?
Questions, anxiety, uncertainty. I need to slow down. I need to look after myself. It’s been wet and cold. That hasn’t been helping at all.
Soon I’ll be in Canada…and then things might be different…perhaps I will have received a crucial sign from the universe; found clarity as to the next step…until then I sit with disclarity, inviting it even, accepting it…breathing, feet on the ground, watching…